Raising Resilient Girls

“I'm just not good at math.” It's a refrain Mikki McDaniel of Sacramento, California, heard again and again from her 11-year-old daughter, Clementine, as she struggled with fractions. 

To combat Clementine's pessimism, McDaniel worked to reframe her struggles in the language of “growth mindset”—the belief that we can improve our skills with effort and persistence. “We decided that instead Clementine would say, ‘Math is a mountain and I can climb it,’” McDaniel shared. “It made her feel better about putting in the work, and eventually she stopped seeing herself as ‘bad at math.’”

Decades of research confirm Clementine’s experience: when we have a growth mindset, we learn better, we’re more resilient, and we’re more open to trying new things.¹

Recent research also suggests that a growth mindset is even more crucial for girls than for boys, leading to greater improvements in their learning and emotional resilience.² The experiences of girls—and women—in STEM illustrate this. Girls are more likely than boys to have a fixed mindset about their math and science abilities, meaning that they believe these abilities are innate and can’t be improved with effort. This happens partly due to widespread stereotypes that girls are worse than boys at these subjects.³

But research shows that a fixed mindset can undermine our motivation and ability to learn new skills. For girls in STEM, it can contribute to lower grades, a loss of interest, and ultimately, missed opportunities to pursue scientific careers and passions they might have enjoyed.⁴ By contrast, girls with a growth mindset about STEM are much more likely to thrive in these fields.⁵

Fortunately, there is a lot of research supporting simple steps that adults can take to help girls develop a growth mindset:

Have an in-depth conversation about growth mindset:

Researchers have found that just one meaningful discussion can have a longer-term impact. Start the conversation by sharing an article with them—like the one you’re reading now—about growth mindset. Studies show that reading about why it matters can actually help foster that mindset. Then ask them to share their thoughts. As you talk, make sure you clearly deliver the message “You can change your abilities with practice and effort.” Then, offer an example of someone who did this—from your own life or someone else’s. And finally, have your girls say out loud that they can grow their skills by working at them—because stating this out loud helps girls to really believe it.⁶

Give your girls new language:

Help girls escape a fixed mindset by suggesting different, more positive words.⁷ Kassie Gray, who runs Female Footballers, a Bay Area nonprofit that mentors girls and women soccer players, explains how she coaches this skill: “We start small and tell players to add ‘yet’ to their negative self-talk: ‘I can’t do something—yet.’” 

Celebrate practice over perfection:

Try to consistently praise the effort your girls put into things, even if it doesn't succeed as they hoped.⁸ For instance, get excited about how hard they worked on their history project, even if they didn’t get an A. “I told Clementine, it doesn't really matter if you're getting straight A’s,” says McDaniel. “What matters is that you put the effort in.” 

Help them prioritize their efforts:

Try to avoid sending the message that girls need to pour ardent effort into everything, as this can lead to overwork and burnout.⁹ Talk to them about prioritizing some skills over others based on the costs and benefits involved. Alicia Brown, a teacher and mother of four from Houston, Texas, did this when she encouraged her daughter Sally, who asked to switch to a less challenging chemistry class: “To Sally’s surprise, I said, ‘I think it's a great idea.’” Brown added, “‘You can still be a chemist, but right now, if the class is making you too stressed out, it's not worth it.’”

Offer opportunities to build self-efficacy:

Self-efficacy—or the sense that we can achieve things if we try—is a crucial part of the growth mindset.10 A great way to help girls build self-efficacy is to offer them new challenges and set them up for success.¹¹ Jyoti Dadlani, a Lean In Network member from Mumbai, India, took this approach when her daughter, Aadhya, was struggling at school and feeling that working hard wasn’t worth it. “To build her sense of her own capabilities, I took her on an extended trip during the school break involving long train and bus rides,” says Dadlani. “Aadhya had never done anything like that before. She was challenged by the trip but also motivated and empowered.” 

Model a growth mindset:

Talk to your girls about how you’re pursuing growth and be honest about setbacks you’re facing.¹² “My husband and I try to point out to our daughters when we aren't doing well at something,” says Mikki McDaniel. “We talk about the effort we’re putting into it, and we also share when it starts going better for us.” You can also role-model some of the other steps listed above—for example, you can frame your own challenges kindly or celebrate how hard you’re working on a new skill.

By fostering a growth mindset, we empower girls to see challenges as opportunities rather than obstacles. The future belongs to those who believe they can grow, and by teaching our girls to embrace that belief, we set them up for a lifetime of resilience, curiosity, and achievement.

If you found this article helpful, you may want to sign your girls up for our new one-hour online session, “Lean Into Your Leadership Strengths.” Through empowering discussions and activities, your girls will learn new ways to grow their skills and see themselves as leaders.